Principles for Peace

This week we will continue our series on thinking errors.  If you haven’t yet read the post on labeling and jumping to conclusions then I encourage you to begin there.  I thought it would be best to keep these thinking errors to two to three errors per post so that they would have the greatest impact.  Learning about them is one thing, but knowing them intimately and mastering accurate thinking is the only way this information will make a difference in your life.

So let’s take a look at the next thinking errors:

3. Filtering out the positive in order to point out the negative

With this error people have a “filter” in their mind that only catches the negative.  The positive slides right through without even being noticed.  If you commonly think negative thoughts then this is likely one you will participate in.

Examples:

This is an easy thinking error for husbands and wives to participate in.  Let’s say that your spouse says something to you that hits you the wrong way.  What is the natural tendency?  To filter out the positive and start thinking about all the things your spouse has ever said that upsets you.  “He is so inconsiderate.  He doesn’t even care about me or my feelings.  Yeah, just like yesterday when he said, _____________.  He is such a jerk. and on and on…….”  Has your spouse ever said anything good to you?  Chances are he has, but you won’t remember it if you have your filter on.

You may find that you also participate in filtering out the positive for something your spouse does or doesn’t do, not just in what he/she says.  (Let me tell you a secret.  He will stop saying anything positive about you or doing anything for you if you only point out the negative and dwell on it.  If you focus on the good things your spouse says, does, or even doesn’t do, chances are you will discover that you have a wonderful spouse.)

I have filtered out the positive in this way before:  focusing on the differences of me and my husband to the point that I thought we had nothing in common and wondered how we got together.  Thankfully, I was able to remove the negative filter and see all the things we had in common, remember why we got together, and celebrate that. The big thing that made the difference was I made a decision to celebrate how God made us both different.  How boring would this world be if we were all alike?

Another example is saying something like, “I’ve never succeeded at anything so I’m a failure”  What happens is you start to think about all the things you’ve failed at and think you’ve never succeeded at anything.  You have filtered out all the successes of your life to point out your failures.  Can you tie your shoe?  Did you get your driver’s license?  Have you ever passed a class?  These may sound silly, but if you answered yes to any of them, then you’ve succeeded at something.  The more you think about your successes the more successes you will have.

4.  Polarized Thinking - Everything is either good or bad.

This is also referred to as “all or nothing” thinking or “black and white” thinking.    A person engaging in this thinking error sees things as either/or, never anything in between.  A perfectionist mindset would also fit into polarized thinking.

This is one that I have struggled a lot with- especially the perfectionistic tendency - and is often difficult for me to spot.

Examples:

Do you see the one small spot on the window that you just cleaned and think the whole window is dirty and all your work in vain?  What about the all the clean parts of the window?

Being prejudiced toward someone based on his/her nationality, skin color, working class, financial income, or where they live says that a person is all bad based on these outward circumstances.  Learn to see people for who they are, not anything else.  Have they ever done anything bad?  Sure they have?  Have you?  Are you all bad?

Parents who have a polarized thinking mindset typically have children who feel they can never please their parents.  Do you only see the one B on your child’s report card (and not the 5 A’s)?  That’s a hard thing for them to live up to?  Or maybe you’re the student who only sees the one B?  Congratulate your child or yourself for the good work you did.

A person with polarized thinking will live a life of discouragement.  Training your mind to see shades of gray and putting your focus on the positive will help you develop more accurate thinking.

Dr. David D. Burns in his book, Feeling Good (which I highly recommend), says that this form of thinking “causes you to fear any mistake or imperfection because you will then see yourself as a complete looser, and you will feel inadequate and worthless.”

Tip:  Everything has at least some seed of good in it.  Focus on that.

Have you been stifled by these thinking errors?  How has it affected you?  Do you plan to change that way of thinking?  What examples would you like to share?  What about success stories as you changed your way of thinking?

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Photos by: ian machado and aslakr

Have you ever lied to yourself and believed it?  Chances are you have.  Most people have.  I have.  That’s basically what thinking errors are and most people engage in at least some of them.

This one series on accurate thinking has the potential to change a person’s life in very drastic ways.  It changed mine in probably more ways than I can ever name. 

Many people are very offended to think that someone would suggest that they do not think accurately.  If that is you, know that you are not alone.  “What do you mean I’m not thinking right?” might be a typical reaction.  It’s ok if you feel that resistence.  Once you see the thinking errors you will probably notice right away that you use at least some of them.  If not, then good for you.  You are rare indeed.

Before we begin I would like to include these words by my friend Ron in his book, Removing Emotional Pain:

Accuarate thinking is perfected by the ability to spot thinking errors and replace them with intentionally structured accurate thoughts.  It’s easy to learn how to do it, but it’s not easy to learn to do it.  It takes a lot of hard work to turn from a discipline that is automatic and comfortable to one requiring intentional effort.  Mastering the technique is hard and it takes work, but it’s not impossible.  [and I would add to that WELL WORTH IT!!!]

Thinking errors can not be replaced with accurate thoughts unless they are first spotted.  The way to spot errors is through familiarity.  Becoming so familiar with errors that they can be easily recognized is the key to mastering the skill of accurate thinking.

So let’s take a look at some of the thinking errors:

1. Using names or labels for people, things, or situations to justify not liking them, it, or the situation.

Ever done that one?  I’ll be the first to admit that I have.  This can come in lots of forms.  Have you ever said, “That was stupid” or “He is stupid.”  ”He is a bad boy.”  “He’s a pig.” are some others.  Has your boss or spouse ever asked you to do something and you said, “That’s crazy” or “she’s crazy.”    Many people are prejudice and think that only their own race or nationality is good so they might say, “Did you see what that ________ man did (filling in a word they think describes the person)?”  Note:  Sometimes a word  might be an accurate description - it’s the intent that makes the difference.  If the name or label is used to justify not liking them then that’s where the problem lies.  These are just a few examples.

2.  Jumping to conclusions without taking the time to gather all the facts.

Ever particiapted in that one.  Once again, I have.  This one can really tear a person up and cause lots of turmoil.  I can think of someone in particular who uses this one over and over again.  The best way I know to describe that person is miserable. 

When you start assuming things, it’s a good rule to ask yourself if anything else could be going on.  If you haven’t been given all the facts then don’t make up your own facts.

Maybe you notice that your neighbor is home almost all the time and you say to yourself, “They sure are lazy.”  Could they have a computer based business where they work at home?  Could they have bad health and are unable to work.  You could say, “They may be lazy, but there might be something else going on.”  Changing your words from is and are to might be or may be is a good tip.

Is your date late to pick you up?  Do you automatically start saying, “He so irresponsible.  He doesn’t even care about me. I bet he forgot all about me.  He went to hang out with his friends instead.  Men never do like me.”  Could it be that he got stuck in traffic because of a bad wreck and left his cell phone at home?  Is it possible that he had car trouble?  What other possibilities are there?  What if he was stuck in traffic and he finally comes to pick you up and you just start yelling at him and insulting him.  Are you going to have a good or bad evening?

There are numerous other examples we could use, but this should get the idea across.

Optimal Thinking: How to Be Your Best Self

What Now?

To keep it simple we’ll stick with these two thinking errors today.  This week, work hard on noticing these two errors in your thinking and in those around you, on TV, on the radio, everywhere you go.  I don’t watch the news, but if you do it’s likely you may spot some on there as well.  Once you spot one then turn it into an accurate thought.

Note:  I wouldn’t recommend going around and telling people - “Ha,  that’s a thinking error.”  Some of you may be able to get away with that, but you may get slapped in the face.  Just work on the person you can change - yourself.

Thinking back, can you think of a time when you used either one of these thinking errors?

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photo by:  ronin691

The kick off of our thinking error series will be postponed for a few more days.  I wanted everyone to have the opportunity to check out my guest post, 4 Invaluable Aspects of Positive Thinking,  on the Positive Thinking Day site.  Positive Thinking Day is fast approaching!  If you are unaware of what Positive Thinking Day is please take a look at their home page to learn all about it and learn how you can participate and support it.  My friend, Dr. Kirsten Harrell, is in charge of it all.  Let’s all get the word out about positive thinking! 

(Sorry for the delay in letting you know about my guest post.  I have been on vacation.)

Photo by: Reenie-Just Reenie

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Did you know?

• 98% of people are emotional pain carriers in at least one area of their lives? (results of a 20 year study conducted by the Napoleon Hill Foundation)?
• Unprocessed emotional pain is the source of depression? (Sure there is physical or medical depression, but a large number of people who are diagnosed with physical depression are misdiagnosed.)
• Over 6,000,000 people do a search for depression every month (on Google alone)?
• Carrying around emotional pain in at least one area affects everything you do?
• Carrying around emotional pain prevents you from reaching your potential?
• Carrying around emotional pain robs you from peace and happiness?
• Children often start carrying emotional pain by the age of four?
• By the age of eight these children have already discovered an escape behavior? (escape behaviors can become addictions)
• People can learn the attitudes and skills necessary to remove emotional pain?
• Thoughts come before feelings?
• Thoughts can be changed?
• Thinking errors or stinkin’ thinkin’ (as some call it) leads to depression (mild or severe)?
• Thinking errors filter out reality?
• 98% of people are engaging in thinking errors?
• Faulty thinking prevents a person from processing pain and leading a fulfilled life?
• Thinking errors lead to more pain?

Could you be one of the 98%?

This post sets the stage for our thinking error series:  Change Your Life - One Thought at a Time.  Don’t be left out…If you’re not subscribed to Principles for Peace click here to subscribe now.  Many people say that this is the most important lesson they learn in SFT Awareness.  I am indebted to Ron Wilkins and Gary Washer for passing along this information to me.

To learn more, Ron’s book Removing Emotional Pain is a great resource. (No commisions off of this one, just great information.)  You may also check it out on google books by clicking here.

Photo by: Charles and Clint

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service, and character.”  - William Arthur Ward

It’s no secret.  We live in a me, me, me world.  We want everything our own way and we want it now.  “It’s my way or the highway,” some say.  Some people see absolutely nothing wrong with this philosophy.  In fact, there are probably some people reading this right now that fall into that group.  You may be saying, “I have to have that philosophy or I’ll get run over in this rat race of a world.”  If that is your philosophy let me ask one question - ok, maybe three - “Do you enjoy being around other people with this attitude?  Have you ever had or seen a good boss that possessed this attitude?  Have you ever been around a person in authority with this philosophy that was effective?”  Chances are you have not.

So, why would you want to be humble in this “me” world?

In SFT, I learned early on in my lessons that humility was necessary in order to process and remove emotional pain.  I was told and I have learned by experience that if humility is not in place then it is impossible to remove the pain of an event or situation.  It’s totally useless to every try.  We also call humility the “me factor” in SFT.  I was trained to ask myself, “How’s my ’me factor on a scale of 1-10?’” before even attempting to process pain.  If humility is not there the pain will remain.  I knew first hand that this was going to be one of the most difficult lessons for me to master.  I was right and selfishness is very easy for me to slip back into if I’m not watching.  As a matter of fact, recently I have noticed myself letting the old selfish bug creep in.  It’s no wonder I’ve been struggling in some other areas as well.  But, pain processing is not the only benefit of humility.

As I was thinking about this post and planning out what to say it all the sudden hit me.  There are so many ironies associated with humility.  What I want to discover today is:

The Misconceptions vs. the Reality of Humility:

Myth 1:  Humility means letting people run all over you.  It means you are no good.

Reality:  Humility requires confidence - confidence in self and in God - to the extent that you don’t need to have everything your way.

Myth 2:  Humility means you are weak.

Reality:  Humility is strength under control.

Myth 3:  Humility is for stupid people.

Reality:  Humility requires wisdom - wisdom to see what the outcome will be if you always demand to have things your way.  (pss.-  No one will want to be around you plus you will be miserable.)

Myth 4:  Having humility means everyone will look down on you. 

Reality:  People will respect you if you consider their needs and wants and let them have their way sometimes.  (Four of the men that I have respected the most in my life were the most humble men I have ever known.)

Myth 5:  Having humility means that you don’t deserve anything and will never have anything.

Reality:  At the root of humility is gratitude.  Gratitude recognizes all the blessing you have even though you don’t deserve them.  True gratitude will lead to more blessings than you could ever imagine.

Myth 6:  You’ll always be a low man on the totem pole if you’re humble.  You have to lift yourself up or nobody else will.

Reality:  The results of humility are that you will be lifted up. 

“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord and He will exalt you.”                    - James 4:10

Myth 7:  You can’t be humble if you are a leader.

Reality:  You will never be a leader if you are not humble (even though you may be in a leadership position).

Myth 8:  I will never get what I want if I’m humble.  Reality:

“The only way to get what you want is to help other people get what they want.”    - Zig Ziglar

Myth 9:  If you are humble you can’t have your way about everything.

Reality:  This one is actually true.  The only downside is that if you demand that the world revolve around you then you will be miserable and disappointed at best.

“What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God.”  - Monica Baldwin

 If humility is such a good thing then, “How do I get it?” 

* One thing that has helped me the most along this continual journey is to focus on my blessings.  At one point I wrote down all the blessings I could think of and I reviewed the list daily.  This really got me to see how truly blessed I am even though I don’t deserve the blessings (that is not a “poor pitiful me” mentality).

* Checking your motives is another good way to work on humility.  Is it all about you?  How pure are your motives - honestly?

* Increase your self esteem.  There’s a number of ways to do this.  Work on yourself.  In other words, focus on growth.  Set specific goals for things you can work on.  Read the Bible and other helpful books to gain ideas. 

* Draw near to God.

* Do something constructive and worthwhile.  Be creative and get to work.

* Practice noticing the interests and needs of others and act accordingly.

In other news:

* If you want to learn more about SFT Awareness I encourage you to read my recent post at Jenny Mannion’s blog.

* The P4P Bookstore is finally open!  Come on in a relax.  Browse around to find some books for your personal growth. 

Have you ever been so angry that you just couldn’t think straight?  Chances are you have - more than once.  I know I have at times.  Have you ever been so hungry that you just couldn’t think?  And if you did it was either in the form of “I THINK you better get out of my way now!” or in the form of a big juicy steak and baked potato.  Peace turns into disaster fast under these circumstances.  That’s the way we operate.  Certain needs have to be met in order for us to be at our best and to think the clearest. 

In my last post I wrote about a very valuable lesson on how to stop rumination. If you haven’t read that post yet, I highly recommend it.  In that post, one of the points was about not thinking about a pain event until you are calmed down and are in a better frame of mind.  Today we will discuss the conditions favorable for taking a look at a pain event.  One of my favorite parts of this lesson is that it’s a great preventative technique also.  It’s something I try to use on a daily basis. 

This is one of the most simple lessons we teach in SFT Awareness, yet once you see it you’ll probably agree that not only have you violated it many times over, but that you’ve seen others do the same. 

When processing a pain event it’s important to create the favorable conditions to process it.  Set aside a time in a special place where you are not likely to be disturbed.  At this time, in order to be your best it’s important to use the HALT formula.  HALT goes as follows:  Don’t be too:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

photo by: adobemac

That’s it.  It only takes intention and following these simple guidelines.  It’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to change the way you look at something if these four things are not taken care of.

As you go along throughout any day just remember it’s a good idea to keep HALT in check at all times.  If you allow yourself to violate this simple formula then a disaster is waiting to happen.  Keeping HALT in check simply ensures you are at our best.  Violating HALT could make a silly little insignificant event turn into a real monster. 

So how do you get HALT back in check if it’s not in place? 

Well, if you are:

Hungry - That’s a pretty easy one.  Eat something.  (Preferalby something nutritional, Dr. Nicole would say.)

Angry - Use some techniques from the last post on how to stop negative thinking mixed with some time, a forward focus and seeing things in perspective.

Lonely - This is probably the most dificult one to take care of, but it is possible to do.  One important thing to remember is that with a relationship with God you are never alone.  Draw near to Him.  You can also go see a friend(s), call someone on the phone or connect with some internet buddies.  Contact an old friend you haven’t talked to in a long time.

Tired - Get some good sleep or take a nap.

That’s it.  Keep HALT in check so that you are at your best, prevent things from blowing out of proportion and are able to process an event you don’t like.

Just like in last week’s post, this requires some awareness.  It requires you to listen to yourself or to be in tune to your self and your needs.  I think you’ll agree the inner peace you find is worth the effort!

To learn more you may want to take a look at my friend Ron’s book:  Removing Emotional Pain.

Can you think of a time when HALT was not in place and a disaster happened? 

I think it is pretty safe to say that peace of mind is only possible if we learn to stop rumination or negative thinking.  In a recent post by Dr. Nicole Sundene of Kitchen Table Medicine, Dr. Nicole discussed whether or not we can always think positive.  I think it is safe to say that we can train our minds to always have a positive attitude, but let’s face it we are all humans and negative thoughts can creep up.  Today’s post will focus on what to do when negative thoughts do come to mind. 

In SFT Awareness, we teach students how to process and remove emotional pain which prevents and eliminates most depression.  It’s similar to Tim Brownson’s teaching of reframing.  There’s something very valuable that we teach students in SFT that prevents them from completing a behaviour cycle that leads to depression and addictions.  It’s called stopping rumination.  What is rumination you ask?  Rumination was a word that I had actually never heard of before learning SFT. 

Rumination is basically a fancy word for negative thinking.  Rumination occurs when a pain event happens - anything you don’t like.  When something happens that a person doesn’t like a process starts that is very similar to cows chewing their cud.  The person will draw on past similar negative experiences.  One negative thought leads to another and another and another.  Then the person will go back to the first thought and chew on it some more and then the next thought and chew on it - over and over again the person thinks about all the negatives of something he/she doesn’t like.  As one of my teachers, Gary Washer, puts it, it is like someone losing their keys and then looking for them in the same places over and over again.  Ever done that?  I know I have.

If someone allows rumination to take place, depression is right around the corner.  Notice I used the word “allows.”  This implies that something can be done about it.  So….

How can you stop negative thinking in its tracks?

1.  The first step in stopping negative thinking is to become aware that you are thinking negative.  That may sound silly, but once you start to become conscious of it, you’ll be surprised.  Remember that a pain event is anything you don’t like.  So start to become aware or conscious of things you don’t like.  Notice when you first begin feeling angry, frustrated, sad, stressed or any negative feeling.  That’s the first step.  Train yourself to become conscious.

2.  Make a decision not to think about or dwell on the situation or thing UNTIL you are calmed down and in a better frame of mind.  (more on that later.)

3.  Watch your self talk. 

*  Some people at this point may say.  “I can’t stop thinking negative.”  Well if you tell yourself that, then guess what?  ….You can’t.  Change your self talk to “I don’t have to think negative.  I don’t like this and that’s okay, but I choose not to let it ruin my life.  I choose to think positive.  I can stop rumination.  I choose to have peace of mind”  This is very liberating!   

*  Remind yourself: “What I think on expands.”  If you choose to think on the problem the problem will get bigger.  If you tell yourself at this point that “good and opportunities will come from this” your subconscious will begin trying to figure out how good can come from it even though you are not consciously thinking about it.      At this time I like to remind myself of one of my favorite Bible verses: 

“For God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to his purpose.”  - Romans 8:28 

Then move on….

4.  Replace the time you normally spend in negative thinking with something else.  In other words, distract the mind.  A hobby is a great thing to get involved in - especially one that involves the mind.  If you have a hobby you enjoy then participate in that hobby at this time.  If you don’t have a hobby, then find one.  Do a Google search for hobbies if you need to do so.  Be creative.

5.  Draw near to God.  Prayer and Bible study will help to turn your focus off of yourself and onto God instead.  I like to remind myself that life is about God, not me.   One thing that helps me stop ruminating more than anything else are these two CD’s:  Glorious God a Cappella Worship and Awesome God: An a Cappella Worship Series.  It put’s my life in perspective fast!  (I love these CD’s!).

6.  Think on good things.  Think about all the blessings you have and dwell on them.  The best way I have found to do this is to make a list of my blessings at a time when I’m not already upset and then keep it with me.  If a pain event occurs I can pull out my list and read it over and over again.  It sure beats thinking negative thoughts over and over again. 

Now, you’re one step closer to having peace of mind…. 

Happy peaceful living!

For further help on learning to think positive I recommend the great one minute affirmations at:  Think Positive Blog.

What are some ways that you prevent negative thinking?

Who can explain how this picture relates to this post?

 photo by:  tonystl 

Happy Fourth of July to all of my U.S. readers - and everyone else also!  (Yes, I know it’s a couple of days early.)

I would like to introduce you to Arthur, someone I know personally.  Arthur has a beautiful wife and three teenage children.  Arthur just left last week for training so that he can soon be shipped overseas to protect and insure our freedoms.  He is giving up everyone and everything he loves so that you and I personally can embrace freedom.  You see that’s just it.  Until we personally embrace this freedom can we really pay tribute to our troops????  Think about it for a minute. 

U.S. troops die every day for you and me - to preserve the freedoms upon which this country was founded.  Do you take that lightly?  I know I have taken them for granted.  I hear on the news “10 troops died today, 32 troops died today in battle on the….. ” Soon, a person  becomes hardened to words.

I was thinking this afternoon…. these troops die every day for your freedom, for my freedom - for the peace we enjoy.  The question is “What are you doing to embrace this freedom and make yourself, this country and world a better place?”  You see, we watch them die, all to let the battle in our own minds continue and take over our lives and not even embrace the freedom that is right in front of us.  Until we choose to win this battle we will never appreciate what our troops are doing for us. 

Photo by:  Jeff Kubina

10 ways that you forfeit your freedom:

1.  Holding on to past failures.

2.  Self limiting beliefs - “I can’t.”  I’m not good enough.” 

3.  Trying to change everyone around you to fit your mold.

4.  Trying to fit the mold of all those around you and fulfill the expectations that others have for you.

5.  Bad attitudes and filling your mind with negative thoughts.

6.  Victimizing yourself because of your circumstances.

7.  Seeking revenge.

8.  Beating yourself up.

9.  Quarreling and fighting.

10.  Do nothing.

Men and women are dying every day so that:

1.  You can learn from past mistakes and look forward to better things.

2.  “YOU can!”

3.  You can make YOURSELF better.

4.  You can set yourself apart

5.  You can have so many blessings.

6.  You can let go of everything that holds you back.

7.  You can CHOOSE to forgive and love anyway.

8.  You can think of all the reasons “you can” and DO it.

9.  You can unite with others to do great things.

10. You can make yourself, this country and world a better place.

The troops are working to clear out any outside circumstances that might hold you back from your dreams and the peace that can be yours.  It’s up to you to clear away the mental blocks so that you can help make this country and world a better place.  Until you let go of all that is holding you back from peace and personal success you will never fully appreciate what your troops are doing for you and reach forward to great things.  Will you rise to the challenge our troops have set for YOU?   The freedoms are yours.  Will YOU embrace them?

What are some other ways that you see people forfeit their freedom?

In what ways can you better embrace your freedom?